


doggy style

by PoisonedMind



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, crack!fic, dog content, dog!dan, warning: poop mentions ig ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonedMind/pseuds/PoisonedMind
Summary: "Dan," said Phil, finally. To the dog."Woof," said the dog."Are you a dog?""Woof," barked the dog who was, by all accounts, very much Dan.Or, the one where Dan turns into a dog and Phil has to deal with him.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	doggy style

**Author's Note:**

> i truly don’t know where this came from, but uuh,,, happy holidays and here’s some dog content  
> !important! 
> 
> before you read, please know that _this_ is the kind of doggy you should picture Dan as:
> 
>   
> _Look at the FLOOF!!_  
> 
> 
> okay that is all. don't take this seriously.

Listen. 

Weird was one of his characteristics, he was well aware of that. He didn’t really blink, his head was more alien than E.T., and his hands could never quite figure out how to go in his jeans pockets. Being weird was A Thing for him by now, capital letters, Phil Lester: the Proud Bearer of the Weird Label. 

Weird was things that happened to him. Like that time a man woofed in his ear somewhere in the London streets. That was weird and a very Phil Lester thing to happen to, well, Phil Lester…talking about himself in third person could surely also fit nicely under the umbrella of weird things. 

At this point, he would almost go as far as to say weird was synonymous to his name.

Anyway. Point was, he knew he was weird, and he was used to weird things happening to him. Which was why his first reaction when he blinked open his eyes that morning was to screech. A very screechy screech. 

A ball of fur was right in his face. Staring at him. A pink tongue emerged from somewhere in there and attacked him once again.

He was woken up by a very wet intruder, and, it turned out, the wet intruder had been an intruding dog nose accompanied by an intruding dog tongue.

 _Ew_ , thought Phil.

He managed to mumble, “Wah?” before being assaulted by another round of wet intrusion. 

By the time he’d sat up, and the dog had settled on his pillow, Phil’s brain had awoken, too. 

“Why is there a dog?” he yelled, staring at the dog on his pillow with a good morning blend of being mildly terrified and mildly in awe. When he didn’t get an answer, he yelled, “Dan?”

The dog’s ears perked up, brown eyes staring back at Phil intently. 

The poof of fur on its head bobbed as it yelped, the ears flopped like deflating balloons, and it was the absolute most ridiculously weird thing to have ever happened to Phil.

“Dan,” said Phil, finally. To the dog.

“Woof,” said the dog.

“Are you a dog?” asked Phil.

“Woof,” barked the dog who was, by all accounts, very much Dan. 

The first thing Phil thought was, _oh my God, I have a dog_.

The second thing was, _oh my God, Dan is a dog_.

The first thing Phil said, though, was, “Oh my God, you’re, like, naked.”

Dan growled something and squinted, which quite frankly wasn’t any different from his usual morning expression. 

~~*~~

It wasn’t like Phil wished for this to happen. And, okay, it wasn’t like he wished for it to _not_ happen either, but come on. No one ever told him he was supposed to specify his non-wishes. 

“Okay,” said Phil. “I should buy you a collar.”

An incredulous huff was the only verbal answer. 

“Dogs need collars, Dan. What if you run away? Or get kidnapped!” Phil gasped, “dognappers, the true dangers of this world.”

Phil was positive the way Dan stared at the ceiling was him trying to roll his eyes. But he tipped his head too far back and tumbled backwards off the pillow, ending up on his back.

“Oh my God, Dan. You’re still naked.”

Dan’s tongue lolled.

Phil screeched for the second time that morning and shielded his eyes. “I need to buy you some doggy clothes!”

Dan growled. Dismissively, Phil waved his other hand and was already on his phone to call a car. “Granted, you are temporarily dog-shaped, but you’re still naked, and I cannot let you walk in public like that!” he told Dan. 

Ten minutes later, Phil was carrying him into a car.

~~*~~

The collar was black with a gold line running in the middle, Dan had been scrambling to get out of Phil’s hands in the pet shop to do his best doggy pointing. 

Dan had been positively gloating when Phil picked it. 

He had, however, snapped at Phil’s ankle when Phil had chosen a red doggy shirt with big yellow dots on it and matching doggy pants. 

“Shush, this is high dog fashion and you know it,” said Phil. “It’s exactly your doggy-style.”

~~*~~

Phil chewed his thumb and looked down at Dan. The dog clothes were a size or two too big. The poof of fur on his head almost looked like a topknot—probably his curly haircut transformed to a doggy-cut. 

“I guess we should figure out a way to, like, communicate?” stated Phil. “Maybe, I don’t know, bark once for yes and twice for no?” He shook his head. “No, never mind. Too noisy. Don’t wanna alert the landlord. How about … one wag with your tail is yes and two is no?”

A long pause. Dan kept staring at Phil, and then he slowly nodded. Twice. 

Phil huffed. “Are you messing with me?”

An even longer pause. Dan shook his head furiously, his poor topknot hair swishing back and forth. 

“Oh! _Oh!_ ” Phil snapped his fingers in excitement. “You can nod and shake your head!”

Dan did a face which was decidedly less sarcastic exasperation and much more downright adorable.

“And you can roll your eyes. Gosh, aren’t you such a good dog!”

~~*~~

“You’re incorrigible when you’re human and you’re even worse when you’re a dog. The only difference is,” Phil popped another chocolate into his mouth, “you’re actually cute as a dog.” 

He had been _this close_ to killing Dan that morning because Dan’s puppy dog eyes were suddenly a lot more effective. Death by chocolate might be on the list of Dan’s preferred death scenarios, but Phil was so not killing a dog. Or Dan. 

“You know, I think you should reconsider this whole getting a dog thing when you turn back,” Phil said, mouth still full of chocolate. “I’ve kept you alive for more than four hours, that’s pretty good, isn’t it?” 

Dan looked at him with such indignation in his eyes that Phil laughed. 

~~*~~

Perhaps Phil should’ve given this some thought. ‘Perhaps’ being the keyword here because Phil never said he was smart. Only weird. Which was how he ended up in the kitchen, going through every single cabinet.

Dan was cowering in the corner, whimpering. 

“Shut up, I’ll close them later,” Phil lied, a wave of mess rolling through the kitchen, unforgiving in its path. “I’m trying to find you food, be grateful.”

A grumbly growl came from Dan. He slid down until he was flat on his stomach. It was a short slide, his legs stubby and so short it was actually ridiculous considering how tall and lanky human-Dan was. 

“Yes, know your place, peasant,” said Phil as he scavenged the last kitchen cabinet. He cast a glance at Dan on the floor. He was panting, tongue hanging out, and Phil tried to imagine human-shaped Dan doing that. 

A thought knocked on Phil’s brain. “Oh! Thirsty!”

Dan yelped, one loud, confirming noise. 

“So,” Phil said, filling a mixing bowl with water. “I realise I probably should’ve thought about this while we were in the pet shop, but we don’t have any dog food. Obviously.” He gestured to the kitchen. Or, rather, what was left of it. “But, I found an alternative!”

He pulled out the box of Cheerios, smiling proudly at himself for coming up with this. “I would’ve fed you your Crunchy Nut, but I don’t think dogs are supposed to get that much sugar,” explained Phil. He patted Dan’s poof of hair consolingly. 

“Arf,” said Dan. 

~~*~~

_What does one do with a dog who is also your boyfriend_ , thought Phil. 

Because he had always wanted a dog, Phil had a good grasp of activities to do with one, but when faced with the reality of his boyfriend turning into a dog, those options seemed to evaporate conveniently from his mind. 

“Walk!” exclaimed Phil. Dan startled awake on the cushion he was napping on while Phil had been contemplating his recent life circumstance. “We like going for walks, and dogs like walks, right?”

A long, shrill cry erupted from Dan’s throat, and Phil had to protect his ears. “ _Dan!_ Indoor voice! What did we agree on when communicating?”

Dan shut up. He huffed and stared at Phil with such a petulant look. 

Phil stared back. He had the impression they’d just commenced a staring contest, a battle to the death, and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna lose to a _dog_. 

Except he did end up losing, but only because Dan cheated. “It doesn’t count!” he yelled as Dan happily jumped up at him, trying to lick his face. “Ew, stop that— you cheated! You’re a dog, it doesn’t count!”

“Woof!” barked Dan. “Woof-woof!”

Phil pushed him away. “Your breath is horrible, I will literally die of poisoning if you come anywhere near my nose with it.”

Dan snorted and, in an act of utter rebellion, leapt up and licked Phil’s face again. 

“I hate you!” 

“Woof roo!”

~~*~~

He’d found the string in one of the boxes in the gaming channel room. He got a very offended yap from Dan when he attached it to his collar, but then they were off. 

Or, well, almost.

They got to the first step of the staircase outside their front door, and Dan sat down like a sack of potatoes.

“What?” asked Phil. 

Dan growled at the stairs. 

Phil smirked. “Really? Scared of the big, terrifying steps, Dan?”

Dan snapped at Phil’s ankle but did let Phil pick him up and carry him down. 

“Good boy, good boy,” cooed Phil. A woman walking past sent them a weird glance but Phil was too occupied by petting the soft poofy topknot on Dan’s head to notice.

~~*~~

“Please tell me you’re not about to do what I think you’re about to do.”

A series of yips and woofs and whiny growls left Dan’s mouth which Phil had no problem translating to the cussing it was. 

“Okay, okay, okay.” He held his hands up. “But I’m _so_ not picking up your poop.”

Phil didn’t know if dogs normally had the ability to smirk, but there was no doubt the face Dan was pulling was a very _oh, you are so gonna be picking up my poop, bitch_ -smirk.

“I hate you so much,” hissed Phil as Dan promptly lowered his doggy butt to the ground. Phil turned away because he was _not_ gonna stand there and watch his boyfriend poop on the ground in Hyde Park, temporary dog-body notwithstanding. Nuh-uh.

“Arf,” said Dan after a few seconds, and Phil slowly turned around. A nice, little doggy poop sat in the grass, waiting for him. 

Phil glared at Dan. “Do I need to wipe your furry butt, too?”

~~*~~

The squee was so high pitched Phil was convinced it must’ve broken the sound barrier even though he was now aware such a barrier had nothing to do with high volumes. 

Two girls stood on the path in front of them, their eyes glued to Dan. Could they tell it was Dan? Did they wonder where Dan was? 

“Oh God, hi, Phil!” said one of them, her eyes still fixed on Dan. “We can’t believe we’ve stumbled into you!”

A sudden urge to pick Dan up and ask him to do the talking came over Phil, but he reckoned not talking to Dan as if he were Dan would amount to the least awkward scenario. 

“Hi!” he said, his camera voice and bright smile flipping on like a switch had been turned. 

One of the girls smiled shyly and said, “We really didn’t mean to bother you…”

The other girl added, “But we noticed the dog and, well, y’know. Dog.”

Indeed did Phil know. The only problem here was that the dog wasn’t just a dog. 

“Would it be okay if we pet it?” asked the first girl. 

“Uhm,” said Phil. “Sure.”

They sat down and reached out so Dan could sniff their hands. 

Dan glared at Phil. And okay, their fans petting them and scratching them behind the ears weren’t usually part of the routine, but Phil reckoned Dan deserved a little payback for the whole poop thing. 

“He’s a tad shy,” Phil explained and grinned when Dan huffed and grudgingly let the girls pet him. 

“Where’s Dan?”

It took a second for Phil to understand the question because Dan was right there, they were talking to him.

“He’s, uhm, at home,” said Phil, staring down at Dan at the end of the makeshift lead. “He didn’t wanna pick up the poop.”

The girls laughed, and Dan’s eyes promised Phil a painful demise. Well, thought Phil, worth it. 

“What’s his name?”

“Er,” said Phil. “Peter.”

Phil’d never seen a dog with such a cranky pout, and it certainly wasn’t helping that the girls started cooing at him.

Phil laughed.

~~*~~

It was only as Phil was detaching the lead from Dan’s collar that he realised the girls hadn’t had any questions whatsoever about why the hell he’d been walking a dog.

~~*~~

“Hey, Dan?” Phil said and Dan let out a low rumble in response. Phil could feel the vibrations in his lap where Dan had curled up. Turns out dog-Dan wasn’t actually that different to human-Dan. 

“Notice how those girls back in the park didn’t seem to wonder why we suddenly had a dog?”

Dan puffed and shifted so he could look up at Phil while still being in prime belly-rubbing position. Phil was so gonna use this against him when he turned back. 

“Think maybe,” Phil paused, “maybe the fans wouldn’t make too big a deal out of us making another addition to the family?”

Dan’s brown eyes had always been a source of comfort and safety for Phil and even now, as those brown eyes were surrounded by soft fur and accompanied by the worst stinky breath, the warmth, Phil could see in them, made his heart settle. 

“And hey!” He booped Dan’s tiny black nose. “You’re still alive!”

Dan caught Phil’s hand between his small paws, and before Phil could react, he darted his tongue out and licked Phil’s palm.

“Ew! Bad dog! You are _so_ sleeping on the floor.”

~~*~~

When Phil woke up the next morning, it wasn’t to a wet, intrusive dog nose, but to a wet, very welcome mouth. With no stinky doggy-breath, thank the heavens. 

“Dan,” said Phil.

“Indeed,” said Dan.

“You’re human.”

“Indeed,” said Dan again, decidedly very much human-like. “Could you possibly say that with less enthusiasm?”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this tickled your funny bone ;)
> 
> you can like/reblog on [tumblr](https://bie-lovers.tumblr.com/post/189628928171/doggy-style)
> 
> hehe lemme just leave you with this!!  
> 


End file.
